I’ve lost my virginity. Finally at the age of the 38 I’ve actually gone to a music festival that involved sleeping under canvas – I say canvas but actually it was a 20 quid tent from tesco that would have gone up like a roman candle if anyone had been in spitting distance with a spliff.

It was, however exceptionally good fun. Despite ticket fiasco –see sosmastertickets are cunts - managed to get VIP tickets through much cooler sister which has probably spoiled me for any other festival seeing as I had access to permanently clean loos, free drinks and food, exclusive sets by featured artistes and the best cheesy DJ I’ve heard in a long time. We also –and this is most important - had a very civilised camp site. There was space. People weren’t holding parties til dawn or being sick over our guy ropes. At my great age, you need a bit of kip.

So here are my top tips for festival novices

1 – get a sister with connections and get free VIP / VUP (very unimportant people) or HO (hanger on) tickets

Failing that

Make sure you’re not camping on a slope
· Take an airbed – sooooo worth it. And an auto blow up thing while you’re at it.
· Drive. Fuck the planet. I saw so many poor buggers staggering around the middle of nowhere schlepping what appeared like all their worldly possessions, it looked like the final scene from Fiddler on the Roof.
· If it’s your thing, make sure someone you know, if not you, has some drugs. Keeps you going during the day and means you don’t have to keep going to the bar, cheaper – V sells bar tokens at 3.30 and in cattle class you could only get strongbow, Carlsberg… and for the laydees….bacardi breezer or wine. If you do like to indulge, take them early on, so you’re just coming down towards the end of the day. As friends found to their cost (when you’re on the wrong side of 30) if you have a massive bender one night, not everyone’s able to get back in the saddle again the next day. So have a nice day time peak then get a good night’s kip so you’re ready rock and roll the next day. Which leads me on to my next point…
· Take earplugs. And some knock out drops. I personally favour Kalms nighttime. The combination of the two meant that I got a great night’s sleep both evenings and if someone had being singing the Verve’s greatest hits outside my tentflap (in my opinion, that would be quite a short set) I would have been oblivious.
· Take wellies. They mess up your dancing, but are well worth it.
· While we’re at it, take a cagoule. And a brollie. I saw Kaiser chiefs in the pissing rain, but it didn’t make a jot of difference. I skidded, I jumped, I looked like a trainspotter, but I didn’t give a hoot.
· In fact, at the very least follow the packing instructions suggested by the festival website – you will be grateful you bought wetwipes and bog roll
· Don’t buy tickets from a shitty tout website – that will ruin everything